Cage Match: D&D Next Monster Manual

"I want a rematch!" 4th Edition Orcus says. "Where are those Pathfinder non-product identity wussies? And bring on the 5E beholder and I'll dribble him around the ring like a basketball!"

It's 4E Orcus, and he's demanding a rematch. Who am I to fight with Orcus, Prince of Undeath? Let's have at it!

Orcus owns the middle of the ring in this match, and dares all comers to beat him. He's big, he's bad, he's epic, and he has what appears to be a title belt on. A cover of a monster manual can get no more "in your face" than this, although Orcus went down like a wussie himself in his own module by all reports. Still, he's a great piece of art, with a nice background, bold charge, and glowing skull rod.

Pathfinder's motley crew are first out in the ring and they are roundly beaten by Orcus. The cover is just as cool, but it focuses on the lower-level beasties rather than an end-game godlike being. Stylistically, Pathfinder's crew is more relate-able, and Orcus never does land a blow on those Pathfinder goblins because they are too fast. Really, we can't tell because the goblins keep replacing themselves, running under the mat, hiding under the announcer's table, and setting the turnbuckles on fire.

Pathfinder's naga files a complaint with the referee complaining Orcus has changed too much from his half-goat satyr-type fat man-demon version in AD&D, and wants to know if this is the same Orcus we are talking about, or an impostor. The referee disqualifies Orcus for being an impostor, but is banished to the Plane of Hades.

4E Orcus remains in the ring.

The crowd boos, and the naga sits outside the ring for the whole match, hissing and throwing a fit like her background painted self.

D&D Next's noir beholder shows up, and everybody is wondering, "who cast that lightning bolt?" Voted the cover with the best use of perspective, the beholder rapidly blasts 4E Orcus to no effect, because Orcus' saving throws and base AC are too high to describe. Orcus punts the beholder into the arena's rafters, with several of the Pathfinder goblins hanging tight onto the eye stalks.

The two fleeing heroes try to put up a stand, but again can't hit 4E Orcus because level is added to to-hit in 4E, and even slamming a hammer on Orcus' big toe doesn't even manage to land a blow. The 5E heroes flee again in dramatic fashion, and for the record are the only heroes to appear on a primary monster manual cover. Seriously, we could have done without them, the beholder is frightening enough without having to show us generic adventurers fleeing for their lives. Pathfinder's goblins laugh at the silly hat.

The 3rd Edition Monster Manual is disqualified for not having a cool monster on the cover, though it is a cool cover. The eye on the cover blinks and watches. The announcers remark how much like the Game of Thrones intro this cover looks like.

The eye blinks, and continues to watch.

The crew from the AD&D 2nd Edition Monster Manual step in the ring, and the crowd laughs at the beholder the size of a large beach ball. Even 5E beholder laughs from the rafters. The Minotaur complains he was painted without feet, along with the dragon's missing wings.

4E Orcus lands a blow that makes the 2nd Edition crew explode is a thousand loose-leaf binder pages. The whole version is disqualified for not being a real book, and for cutting off the red dragon's wings when they had the space to paint them.

The motley assortment from AD&D's Monster Manual show up. Pathfinder's goblins ride the centaur and unicorn, and attach the roper to the giant eye on the 3E cover. The goblins laugh as the roper gimbles about. The pixies on the back cover mess with the graphics on the television screen.

The AD&D red dragon complains about how short his neck is painted, and about his succubi wings. Somewhere backstage, Pathfinder's Core Rulebook chicken-like red dragon laughs and downs several buckets of KFC.

The githyanki warrior on the cover of the Fiend Folio shows up and everyone cheers, being the coolest damn thing ever. Even 4E Orcus doesn't know what the heck it is and stays away. Strange Middle Eastern music plays, and githyanki just points at Orcus. It disappears just as mysteriously in a cloud of flame and smoke and the crowd cheers.

4E Orcus stands there confused, asking, "Who was that guy?"

Cthulhu eats 4E Orcus.

Cthulhu reaches up into the rafters and eats 5E beholder.

The AD&D Centaur complains that no monster manual sequel covers should be in the cage match.

Cthulhu eats AD&D Centaur.

AD&D Orcus appears, throws down his scepter, and complains about Cthulhu once having been in the DDG.

Cthulhu eats AD&D Orcus.

Fiend Folio guy appears from nowhere again, points at Cthulhu, and challenges Cthulhu for the title belt.

Cthulhu agrees and the fight is set for the pay-per-view next Sunday.